Forbearing Love and the Christian Life
Copyright 2013 by Shea Oakley
All rights reserved
We tend to try to change others by showing them the error of their ways. This is especially true when the error in question is one that hurts us in some way. When someone’s behavior has a negative impact on our sense of well being our first impulse is often to let that someone know, in no uncertain terms, just what they are doing wrong. This seems quite justifiable, particularly at the moment we are irritated by whatever they have done.
It is true that sometimes we are called on to be honest about our feelings when we are sinned against. This is mainly the case when another believer is the one doing the sinning (although sometimes we may even be justified in telling the truth, in love, to a non-believer if we sense that this will do more good for them at that moment than turning the other cheek.)
However sometimes, maybe more often than we think, the best thing we can do both for the “transgressor” and ourselves is to be forbearing. While being silent in the face of bad behavior is difficult, sometimes very difficult, it may be the most loving course of action if we really want to help the person change and become more Christlike ourselves at the same time.
We are living in a culture that constantly tells us, or at least implies, that we must never allow ourselves to become someone’s “doormat.” We are told that we must always be assertive and make sure that someone who hurts us is strongly made aware of that fact. Otherwise we might lose our “self-esteem.” While it is true that allowing ourselves to be constantly abused by another may not be God’s will for us we also must consider the example of Christ. Our Lord was crucified though He was the most innocent person ever to walk the earth. In forbearing the actions of those who nailed Him to the cross, even asking His Father to forgive them, he left a powerful testimony to the transforming power of suffering evil out of love for the evildoer. It is no co-incidence that one of the thieves being executed next to Him repented in His presence, nor that the ranking Roman Centurion declared in the shadow of the cross that “Surely, this was the Son of God.” One has to wonder if either man would have been so moved if Jesus had not borne the enormous wrong being perpetrated against Him without the slightest hint of a retaliatory spirit.
In my own experience I have found that when I am willing to absorb a wrong and continue to be actively loving towards the one who caused me pain that person more often than not apologizes, and even admits that they need to change in this area of their lives. If I really care about the person in question it is very gratifying to see this happen. Beyond that it has the added benefit of quite possibly making them less likely to hurt me in this way in the future.
Perhaps most importantly it also helps in conforming me to Christ.
Of course this forbearing is not an easy thing to do for even a redeemed child of God. We are often sorely tempted to “give the person a piece of our mind.” It feels easier to strike back. But the Word of God never equates what is easy with what is right, no matter how right it feels at the moment. The flesh does not give up its supposed right to retaliation in any and every situation without putting up a great deal of resistance. In fact the kind of restraint we are talking about is an example of authentically dying to self and cannot be truly accomplished without the enabling power of the blood of Christ.
The question, ultimately, is whether we are willing to absorb pain for a redemptive purpose. In a profound way how we answer that question has great bearing on the question of whether or not we are living a fully authentic Christian life.